How to be an Outdoorsman

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It’s summertime and David has a new love interest, a beautiful woman named Karen. Things have been going well, they’ve gone on a few dates and he is beginning to overcome that awkward stage where he constantly second guesses every move he makes. Last weekend, David tried to playfully put his sunglasses on Karen’s face, in doing so he poked her directly in both eyes. Karen was unhappy with David following this event. In order make it up to her, he decided to take her on a weekend long camping adventure. David had often embellished on how he was an outdoorsman, a true warrior of the woods. The only problem, David has never actually gone camping before. Here are some tips on how to pull off a great camping excursion.

1. Picking the right tent
This weekend is all about romance. David wants to impress Karen and show her that the eyeball mishap was simply a fluke. Picking the right tent is vital to the level of enjoyment in the woods. Each camper needs about 30 square feet in the tent to be comfortable. Also, be sure the tent is completely waterproof and has all of the proper attachments before leaving on your trip. I suggest building the tent in your front yard once or twice as practice.

2. Plan each meal
Plan ahead; each meal should be accounted for prior to leaving for your trip. Do not bring food that will spoil and cause outbursts via food poisoning. We want Karen to be satisfied, not poisoned. Some reliable energy boosters are trail mix and peanut butter.

3. Be aware of the wildlife
Animals get hungry, and I am sure they can smell David’s mediocrity. Be sure to pack all of the food you bring in plastic bags, minimizing the smell. Also, don’t sleep with the food in your tent or you WILL be eaten.

4. Bring sufficient clothing
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It’d be unfortunate if you planned your camping trip on a weekend full of rain, but you could at least be ready for it. Even if there is only a slight chance of rain or unruly weather, bring that jacket and stay dry.

Well David I feel like I’ve given you all of the advice you need to pull of a grand camping trip. You’re a pathological liar, I feel like you’re relationships would be more successful if you practice honesty. Enjoy the woods.