You’ve gone on an adventure in infomercial land. You’ve seen the video and you knew you had to have them. Congratulations on your new purchase of Kitten Mittons. Now all you have to do is get them on your cat. You thought it would be easy like installing the cable, but the seemingly simple task has eluded you, making you feel like a big dummy. Fear not my fellow cat enthusiast, with these helpful tips, you will succeed in dampening your frisky feline friends constant stomping and stampeding.
1. Tranquilize Your Cat
Now I know PETA is going to hurl up their basket of soy-fish and chips over this one saying, “It’s inhumane. Animals should only be tranqed when they need to be freed from the zoo or one of them is raping another.” Well stuff it PETA, I love my kitty but she can be feisty and these scratches hurt. As the saying goes, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” By medicine, I mean my kitten wearing her mittens, and by sugar, I mean a light helping feliway, Xanax, thorazine, or ketamine, depending on what happens to be lying around.
2. Hypnotize your Cat
I know what you’re thinking, “Hypnotism only works on the highest of evolved brains, which is only people and dolphins,” and you’re right. But cats are really gypsy people whose curses backfired on them so hypnosis will work.
3. Outsource It
Have a paid Kitten Professional do the job for you. This may end up costing more than the kitten mittens themselves, but it will be well worth it to have your cat hate that guy for forever instead of you
4. Get Medieval
It’s practically the same thing as plugging something in while it’s in the off position and then turning it on. Detach your cat’s arms from its body, it will lose motor skills (and blood so make sure to have a plastic bag nearby to contain the bloodloss), install the kitten mitten, and then reassemble your cat. Good as new!…better even.
5. Strap Cat
If tip #4 was too dark for you, good, there is no justification for following through on that tip. This next tip is much more ethical. Buy a BDSM kitty torture table from Hasbro or some Dutch shop, and strap your kitty down. Full disclosure: gimp suit is unnecessary, but super cute. Strapped down, your cat will find it hard to scratch at you, and you will be able to comfortable secure it in its new set of kitten mittens.
Once again, congratulations on your purchase of kitten mittons. I hope that you enjoyed these tips, and did not consider them to be advice to be acted upon. If you do any of the things I suggested, you have problems (except if you tranquilized your cat, there are certain situations where that is okay to do).