What If I Just Stayed?

It’s only a few hours until my flight and I’m half-hearted about leaving. I’m normally excited when I know that I’ll be traveling, but this time, I’m a bit sad I’ll be going away for a while. Lately, I’ve been juggling family, work and extra-curricular activities. I used to get so frazzled when tasks and appointments never seemed to get any lesser, but now, I have embraced the rhythm of it all.

I have learned to love just staying put and not going anywhere. I know I’ll only be away for more than a week, but as early as now, I’m already getting homesick. It’s going to feel strange to not be around the same circle of people during the next few days. I guess the reason why I’m in this bummed-out funk is because I’m going to have to adjust to an unpredictable daily schedule on this trip. Though the tickets for this trip have long been booked since last year, I admit that I still haven’t fixed my itinerary. I guess it’s going to be one of those trips wherein the plan is to not have a plan. We’ll see, we’ll see.

I’m flying out to Metro Manila, and I hope to catch up with people I know, on the assumption, of course, that they have time to spare and wish to see me as well. I also do want to make time during this trip to work on certain relationships. Certain friendships are drifting apart, and yes, this has disheartened me for a time. But if I want things to work, then I’m going to have to try, right? I love these people. I miss them, and though it may seem that they no longer want anything to do with me, I’m going to have to give it one more shot.

I have been thinking to myself, “What if I just stayed?” If I didn’t go on this trip, then I wouldn’t have to go through all the trouble of trying too hard and ending up looking stupid in case certain friendships don’t work anymore. But then that would just be cowardly and prideful, and I have long given up running away from things I have no hold on.

I have learned to see the value of operating in love day in and out. In the things I do and pursue, love is my motive. Part of loving is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and be susceptible to hurts and pains, so inasmuch as I am nervous for my #MissionRekindling, I’m surprisingly ready. Things here at home are good in spite of unwanted circumstances once in a while. But if I stayed, how else am I to know if there’s one more chance for certain relationships to work?

So here goes nothing! I’m not staying. I’m not settling. It’s time to go and put myself out there again.