It’s date night and Karen wants to look like a ravishing fox for her current lover David. She has a ‘go to’ dress for occasions such as this; it’s full of sequins and sparkles like a flawless toenail fresh out of the shower. She goes to zip herself in, but she can’t, it’s stuck.
“Stupid zipper” Karen mutters to herself.
Only this time, it’s not the zipper. You see, recently a new establishment called, “Muffins Muffins Muffins” had opened up next door. Karen had often stopped by, “Meh, whats one muffin gonna do to ya?” A lot Karen, a lot. Karen’s muffin intake has increased her mass and now she no longer fits in her dress. She gave an intense glare into the mirror, staring into her own eyes she said.
“It’s time Karen, It’s time to go on a lemon-pepper chia seed diet.”
Here are some tips on how to lose that muffin top and pull off the perfect diet and squeeze back into your go to dress.
1. Google ‘Diets’
Google is the answer to our questions. Scroll through the thousands and thousands of diets women have attempted in the past and decide which one works best for you, preferably one that contains ingredients that sound healthy. I understand that no one may know the actual benefits of the ingredients, but if everyone else is doing it, it’s probably right. For example, the trend of consuming chia seeds has swept the nation, but does anyone really feel the health boosting products taking effect? Probably not, but we do it anyways.
New Health Trends of 2014: Chia seeds, Kale, Trash Fish (Google it), Kaniwa
We don’t know what these are, but they sure sound healthy.
2. Tell all of your friends about your diet
Since all of you will want to quit after the third hour of your diet when you inevitably walk by a Starbucks on each street corner, we need to find a way to ensure you stick with it. What better way to do so than by gossiping about your new detox to all of your friends.
‘No sorry Jennifer, I cannot go to lunch with you today because I am on a DIET.’
Now that they are all aware, you will be too embarrassed to quit.
3. Complain
The only successful way to maintain a detox diet is to acquire attention from everybody ever. Complain about how hungry you are to everyone willing to listen. They will feel bad for you and coax you through this perilous adventure of eating well.
4. Quit
Strict, painful diets are unnecessary. You gain weight from being lazy and overindulging at Muffins Muffins Muffins. Exercise 3-4 days a week and treat yourself every once in awhile, but only when you truly earn it.
Jump back to Karen, she had gone on that date with David. However, David never called her again. It wasn’t the weight gain; by the end of the date Karen’s teeth had accumulated an abnormal amount of Kale.
Never trust Kale.
