How to Obtain a Photo of Yourself (Without Taking a Selfie)

Selfies are an unfortunate chic that has gotten way out of hand. It’s often the banner placed upon us by the generation before us so they can compulsively write New York Times articles about how self-centered we are to keep their old blood from turning into starch.

But it’s not all their fault.  We kids do take an inordinate amount of selfies.  No matter how ironic you think you’re being, selfies always make you look like an asshole pirate with half an arm.

When traveling alone, it can be especially hard to prove that you were actually at Stonehenge without disturbing the sacred ground of the sleeping druids with your bitchy hashtag facial expressions, but it can be done!  Here are is how to obtain a photo of yourself without taking a selfie:

1. Ask Someone to take a picture for you

There’s bound to be someone in the area that thinks you’re cute enough that they would be willing to spend 20 seconds looking at you through a lens while you stand like a goddamn pioneer next to the Statue of Liberty.

2. Ask someone politely to take a picture of you

Hey, some people need a little buttering up to get them to do what you want.  Luckily you’re not a sad little hobo in a Winnie the Pooh costume in Times Square, so you’re not charging them to take your picture.  Give’em a little ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and you’ll have something to send your mom when she asks if you’re ok.

3. Bribery

We’re not just talking money here.  Animal heads, precious stones and even tasteful sexual favors are accepted as currency in other countries.  This method is highly recommended in places such as Sicily because it’s hard to get those Italians to do anything without a little somethin’ somethin’.

4. Delve into voodoo wizardry

Look, if someone doesn’t want to take your picture, fine.  But if saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ or even a little kissy kiss on the nose isn’t working, you gotta bring out the dark magic, dawg.  Steal a lock of their hair and make them become your unwilling slave using powerful love spells, or summon a fanged beast from a Lovecraftian netherworld that will force them to submit to your demands to have a nice picture of you at the Hoover Dam.

5. Ask the fanged beast from the netherworld to take your picture

Chances are they don’t have cameras in dimension Luxicron, but it’s worth a shot if his fingers aren’t coated with an otherworldly, camera destroying acid.

6. Take a picture of someone that kinda looks like you

This one probably works better if you happen to be dressed like a Hassidic Jew while vacationing in Jerusalem.

7. Give up

Screw it. Just… screw it.  Not even just screw the picture, but, like, just screw life in general. Stay here in Nepal and become one of the monks. Who cares anymore? What’s that? You will take my picture? Oh my gosh you’re so nice! No, no get in here! Close, I want one of us together! Selfie!

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