Ah yes, drunk sex. One of life’s most primal pleasantries. In the natural habitat of a bar or club, the human is at it’s best in terms of sexual prowess. Inhibitions are lowered, senses are raised and the normal boundaries of societal norms are all but forgotten. What results is a cocktail of hormones, passion and most often, regret. The good, bad and ugly rear their wild heads during the entire process. Here are five of the more common intercourse types that one can experience after a night on the town.
1. SLOPPY SEX
While sloppy sex has happened to everyone, we can all agree it’s universally loathed. Clunky, moist and exhausting, sloppy intercourse makes for something out of a David Attenborough-narrated the animal show. Thankfully, the effects of alcohol help you care less.
2. THE PUKEY KIND
You know those six shots of Jose Cuervo you had earlier? Yeah, they may have played a part in helping you get laid tonight, but those other five shots of mystery booze will surely result in an abrupt end to intercourse. Puking happens, it’s ok. Just don’t get it on your temporary mate and everything should be fine. If you’re a guy, don’t be a dick. Hold you’re women’s hair back from the toilet. It might even help you get some later on.
3. THE THREE INTERCOURSE MEAL
It’s late. You’re drunk, horny and sexy. Drunk you has no time to separate those three feelings into separate activities, so you do what seems logical. Do it all at once. What results is a food fuelled, sex session amongst pools of pizza grease, whiffs of oyster juice and the feeling of spinach between your partner’s teeth. Intercourse has never tasted so good.
4. DOUBLE VISION
This is not as cool as it sounds. Double vision during drunk sex will not make it seem like you’re banging hot twins. No, instead eyeballs will be mistaken for lips, and lips confused for a chin. In general, many holes will me mixed up and the whole process will feel like some funhouse nightmare. Intercourse tip: Give it the ole’ “One Eyed Jack” treatment to even your sight out a bit.
5. GUNTHER
This is the type of sex everyone always thinks about, but no one ever wants. What’s Gunther? It’s the name of your accident child you had after a night of unprotected, drunk shenanigans. Now you and your mate will spend the next few years raising a kid you hate, being in a relationship you despise and living a life you’d wish would end. When Gunther is old enough, you two will split. She’ll remarry while he will be buried in alimony debt. Gunther will never get the attention he deserves and grow up to be a womanizing, drug abusing nobody who will make the same mistake his parents did. In other words, wrap it boys. As for girls, abortions can be your friend.
