The Cold War may have ended (so they say), but that doesn’t stop the Russians from expressing their competitive spirit. With NASA attempting to send astronauts to Mars in the near future, Russia has a different plan in mind. In an effort to conquer those capitalist pigs, the Ruskies are going to send up… soviet monkeys, proving to the world that apes are more capable than Russian astronauts.
RUSSIA TRAIN MONKEY’S FOR MARS AND REWARD THEM WITH JUICE
In 2017, Russia hopes to send four of their finest monkeys to Mars. This will effectively beat NASA in the race to the red planet and proving that’s Russians are still relevant. Straight out of some cheesy sci-fi flick, this ragtag group of monkey’s were individually selected for their enhanced cognitive abilities. Every day they are strapped in and trained to use various space equipment. If they do well, they are rewarded with juice.
SENDING ANIMALS INTO SPACE IS AN AGE OLD TRADITION
Russia may think they are breaking serious ground but countries have been sending animals into space since it was ever possible. These animals were often experiments for measuring the biological effects that space travel can have on the body. Most animals died in the process until 1959 when a primate finally survived the process. Despite the NASA success, many countries deemed the experiments to be rather, archaic. Since then, we have stuck to sending human’s up in space, until Russia has decided to bring us back to the dark ages.
WHAT WOULD MONKEYS DO ON MARS?
If NASA sends a team of highly intelligent, well-trained astronauts up to space, one can imagine the scientific evidence they bring back will be highly beneficial to NASA and the world. Let’s say Russia is successful in their attempts at putting monkey’s on Mars. What does that actually prove? That they were able to train monkeys to do some tasks and then shoot them into space? Ok, that does sound interesting, but still it’s not like monkey’s are going to find life on Mars. At best, they’ll probably get stuck up there, make some martian friends, wage a war against Earth and NASA will have to save the day once again. A ridiculous sounding scenario for sure, but remember, monkey’s are actually being sent into space and it’s 2016.
