According to an uber-liberal arts college in Vermont, Red Bull can give you more than just wings. Middlebury College, one of America’s elite private institutions has banned the energy drink from its campus. Among the usual health concerns that many believe the drink produces, Middlebury is citing drug use and prostitution as potential side effects.
REEFER MADNESS GETS A MAKEOVER WITH RED BULL
Looking back at the Reefer Madness hysteria from the 1950’s, we can all laugh at just how exaggerated the film was. Of course, marijuana doesn’t turn you into a raving lunatic. How silly we were to even release that kind of propaganda. Proving that society doesn’t change is this case of Red Bull Madness. Sure, everyone is aware that energy drinks aren’t the healthiest of beverages, but Middlebury is taking it a step further. Saying it is a gateway to other drugs and illicit behavior is like saying, Red Bull, causes prostitution. That is just ridiculous. We all know it’s the sorority girls that really cause campus prostitution.
MIDDLEBURY BRINGS BACK PROHIBITION OVER PROSTITUTION FEARS
The monsters behind this modern day prohibition are the campus government. They voted in favor of the ban 11-1. This was after the Middlebury dining services made a statement saying energy drinks lead to an a higher risk of drunk driving and the involvement of high-risk sex. First of all, why is dining services making these kinds of judgments? Aren’t scientists on campus that will say Red Bull has a lot of sugar but it won’t cause widespread prostitution? Apparently, the whole school is void of sound logic. Even some students seem to agree with the ban.
COLLEGE FRESHMAN PROVES SHE’S AN EMBARASSMENT TO HER SCHOOL
A certain freshman from Middlebury decided to speak out amidst this whole controversy. Her name will be admitted because her thoughts alone embarrass her enough. Apparently, the young girl learned in her psychology class that Red Bull is actually linked to these risque behaviors. Who’s more stupid? The girl for believing that or whoever taught the class? For a school that’s more than $60k a year, you’d expect better. Perhaps a career in prostitution wouldn’t be so bad for these psychology majors. Since they aren’t using their brains, they may as well use their bodies. In fact, prostitution may be the only hope these girls have in paying back those outrageous tuition fees. They already like getting screwed over by their university, so the transition to prostitution should be an easy one.
