Zombie Zuckerberg is the awesome dude behind the top earning website of 2015, Scalpbook, and Clapway sat down to talk to him about his rampant success.
Question 1: What do you think is the secret of ScalpBook’s success?
Zombie Zuckerberg: You know, there are other websites that try really hard to be real, but it’s just not. It’s not about what’s on your face, bro, it’s about what’s in your scalp. Your brains. That’s the secret. Chicks dig that, so they join the website. Facebook failed at the chicks part, little Mark doesn’t know the first thing about women.
Question 2: If you ran into someone who has no idea what ScalpBook is, how would you describe it to them?
Zombie Zuckerberg: Imagine, Facebook without Timeline combined with Tinder with a side of Grindr and the backs of Snapple bottles. Boom, you’re in. No questions. There’s a reason why we got a million hits in a day.
Question 3: You’re famously known for donating most of your income to the McKnight Foundation. Is there a story behind this?
Zombie Zuckerberg: They give me dead people brains in exchange. It’s a beautiful world, we just gotta work together. They study brains, and I eat them after they’re done.
Question 4: On the side of rumors, there’s buzz about you having been diagnosed with skin cancer. Any comment?
Zombie Zuckerberg: For the last time, I don’t have skin cancer. The red splotches and panda eyes are from tireless work dedicated to hot chicks and their brains. I don’t eat them, though. I could, but I don’t.
Question 5: We can’t not mention your principal competitor, Facebook. Do you have a friendly rivalry?
Zombie Zuckerberg: Let’s not compare me to that guy. He wears hoodies, I wear Versace. He likes kids and (bleep), I like (bleep) for kids. Kid’s toys, I mean. He’s a self-absorbed, arrogant prick that gets media attention for doing mediocre good things, and I’m a selfless snowflake that does decent things because it’s what I should’ve done before going undead. He likes Chinese Opera, I like K-pop. We’re just from different worlds.
Question 6: David Fincher recently joked that one of the characters The Social Network was based on you. Care to elaborate?
Zombie Zuckerberg: I believe my part was Cameron Winklevoss’s left asscheek.
Question 7: You’re up for being host to next year’s VMAs. Are you already preparing?
Zombie Zuckerberg: I’m bringing in Kanye West as co-host. (bleep) Taylor Swift. And Nicki Minaj will finally be recognized for the goddess she is.
Question 8: Halloween’s just around the corner. What are you planning on being this year?
Zombie Zuckerbert: I AM an outfit, man. People are going around as me. But if it matters that much to you, I’m gonna be the Pumpkin Dance Man. I love that dude. Expect to see me frolicking down Hollywood after dark with the rest of the crazies.
… We’re sorry, we didn’t think it’d go like this.
Attention! Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
